In My Place
by Ambiguous Umbra
Summary: Bella witnesses heartbreak amongst the Cullens when Jasper loses control of his abilities and injures someone. As an old enemy resurfaces seeking revenge, will Bella be able to save Edward and his family or lose her life in the process? Reviews Welcome.
1. Remember

Remember when I said that I had never given much thought as to how I would die? Well, that's behind me now. Far behind me. Ever since I met and fell in love with Edward, death has been an every day consideration. Spending most of my living hours with someone who was…well, not living? Yeah, I'd better be thinking about death. Of course I never believed that Edward would harm me. Though he was afraid of it possibly happening, I knew that he couldn't. He wouldn't.

But even after my encounter with James, I worry that maybe that's what he's thinking of. All the time. I can see it. Somewhere deep behind his amber eyes, something lingers, haunting, searching for meaning. He's thinking of how much safer he would be if we'd never met; if he'd continued to be a jerk to me and just stayed away from me in the beginning. Its too late to be thinking this, and he knows it. I'm just never sure any more.

Edward used to be easy to read. I could always tell what he was thinking, when he would stare at me, when his gorgeous smile would spread on his pale face, I knew that everything was alright. I look at him now, standing next to me at the top of the flight of stairs, staring down into the rug below. I can tell he's scared for me, scared that something might happen to me, to someone else that he loves.

I touch his hand and it shocks him back to reality. He blinks as he turns his head towards mine. "Don't worry. We'll find him."

He stifles a small chuckle, but his eyes remain swimming in fright and apprehension. Alice's terrified gasps cut into the heavy silence around us. She's in the next room, leaning on Esme. "I can't see him. Why can't I see him?" she cries.

Edward's hands clench the banister, his knuckles flexed so that I can almost feel the wood crack beneath him. I rub at his cold hands trying to distract him, trying to provide a string of hope in the midst of this sudden swirl of ill-fated events. "Carlisle will be okay."

The expression that I receive is almost too painful to look at. Edward's face goes blank, and his muscles lose their rigidity. He looks tired. He looks ashamed.

"If only I'd been here. I shouldn't have left…" he murmurs.

I had seen and witnessed it all. I had survived only because Alice had jumped in to save me and I had hid. Now, my mind reflects considerations that I've had before. To die in place of a loved one. Except he wasn't dead…yet. If only I had warned Carlisle, if only I hadn't been so damned foolish. Edward was here thinking that it was his fault and now all I could do was sit here and think that it was mine.

And in the mean time, Jasper was out there somewhere; losing every bit, every inch of his sanity while his bloodlust contorted him. And then there was Victoria of course. Why did I think that she had something to do with this? All I could do was think of her fiery red hair blazing in the mist the first time I saw her, the chill that emanated from her eyes, and the promise in them. This was only the beginning of her revenge.

I lift my head. " Maybe we should start looking…" My voice dies.

Edward is gone.


	2. Evening

2 days ago

The weather was the same as always. Grey. A bit of rain here and there. Cool. But it was still home. My home sweet home in Forks. And I continued to appreciate its slowly warming appeal on me as I sat in the passenger seat of Edward's Volvo. The lazy trees whipped by as the car looped around twists and turns of the dirt road that lead to his house. I was excited. It had been over a week since I had seen any of the Cullen family, apart from Edward of course. He'd seemed adamant about keeping me away from the beautiful glass and wooden house and from the family it seemed.

I cast a glance at him out of the corner of my eyes. He was watching the road. But he was smiling this teasing simper that made me feel weak in the knees, even though I wasn't standing. I suppressed a sigh and turned back to the window. Rain streaked the glass, blurring my perfect view of the lush surroundings. Edward and I had been spending even more time together-if that was possible. We'd gone out several nights a week; mostly to dinner. This was a little strange. I felt awkward for eating in front of him while he just watched, content as always. It made me wonder what was going through his head. Made me wonder if he was in any way hungry too. And then it would become all too real to me. I wouldn't want to know what he was thinking any more.

"Any plans with the fam?" I asked. The quiet seemed to be stabbing me in the ribs. It was unbearable. And Edward was never usually this quiet. I wondered why. Then I backpedaled.

His gaze flickered over to me and he shook his head slightly. "I just thought maybe you'd like to see them. They've been kind of tied up with things this past week. It would be a good breather," here he chuckleed, "so to speak, if they had you over for a visit."

Something inside me wanted to laugh out loud. After all of the trouble that I'd caused the Cullens, the trouble I was still causing them… Edward thought that hanging out with me would give them a chance to relax. Not a chance of that. I'd most likely trip and slam my head on something going inside.

He seemed to read my expression even though he couldn't hear what I was thinking. "It'll be fine. A nice relaxing evening."

I nodded, but I bit my lip. While I loved spending time with most of Edward's family, I still couldn't stand the tension that mounted between his sister, Rosalie, and myself. When ever we were in the same room together, I felt like she was trying to set me on fire with her eyes. And when she failed, she would growl. Whether she realized this or not would always be a mystery to me.

The soft dots of the porch lights signaled our arrival at the house. The engine died and the only sounds were my breathing and the rain outside. Before I could open my door to get out, Edward was already there, pulling it and assisting me out of my seat. Something almost like wind chimes tingled in the cool breeze near by. I frowned knowing that the Cullens didn't own a wind chime or have anything around their house that made that noise.

Edward had picked up on it too.

"What is that?" I stared out at the silhouettes of the trees. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Still as creepy as usual.

His brow furrowed. "I'm not sure." He stewed on it for a moment but then turned me back towards the house. "Come on. Let's go inside."

Up the front steps and into the front door. "Well, look at that, I didn't trip." I said to myself. My foot caught on the leg of the couch by the door, and I started to spill forward. Edward, somehow, grabbed hold of me and straightened me.

He smiled. "Better not jinx yourself like that."

I scoffed. "Yeah. I know."

We started to climb the stairs. I was worrying about seeing Rosalie and having to deal with her. It was going to be an unpleasant evening, that was for sure.

Edward must have read my trepidation because he curled an arm around my waist. "Rosalie and Emmett are away for a few days. Don't worry."

"Oh." I breathed. My shoulders felt like weights had been lifted off of them. As much as I enjoyed Rosalie not being around, I was sad that Emmett wouldn't be there. He was warm, fun, and enjoyable to be around. But those two were together. 'I suppose the bad has to come with the good if you want it.' I considered.

As we breezed into the kitchen, my sights caught on Esme. She was sailing about like a fragile bird on a light breeze, first at the refrigerator, then at the sink. To say that I loved Esme was an understatement. It felt like my own mom was right here in Forks and as much as I missed my mom, I knew that Esme was always available to listen. I didn't think that vampires could be so sweet, so selfless. I guess I hadn't thought them capable of love either. But boy, was I proven wrong there.

My eyes darted to the den area nearby where Alice and Jasper sat nestled into the leather couch watching the television. Alice's tiny body was curled into his figure, her pixie-looking haircut poked up just a little from behind his shoulder. Jasper's arm stretched around Alice while the other massaged her arm quietly.

Edward started forward into the kitchen. "We're here."

Esme glanced up, her eyes warm, making me feel fuzzy inside. "Bella! It feels like its been years since we've seen you. Edward's been keeping you tucked away from us."

"Bella!" Alice chirped, her head poking up from behind the couch cushions. Jasper turned and gave a friendly smile.

"Yeah, Edward has a way of doing that." I responded to Esme as I waved to Alice. I turned my attention back to what the mother vampire was doing. It looked like some sort of cassarole.

"You didn't have to go to all of this trouble for me." I assured, stepping up to inspect it. "But it looks really delicious."

Esme held up the dish in both hands and moved towards the oven, pushing it in. "It's a Mexican casserole. You like Mexican right?" She sounded worried.

I hadn't had Mexican since back in Phoenix. My stomach gurgled before I could say anything.

Edward grinned. "I guess that means 'yes'."

"Have a seat, you two. It should be ready in a little bit." she guaranteed, going to the sink once more.

Alice piped up. "Hey! Come over here." She beckoned with a wave and a short giggle. Edward and I moved towards the couch opposite them and we slumped down together. I sighed as I breathed in his smell. In spite of the fact that I saw him almost every hour of every day, I never got tired of how he smelled. It had grown on me the more I was around it and now I almost hungered for it, as if it were a batch of fresh vanilla cookies just coming out of the oven.

"So Edward said you guys have been busy this past week?"

Alice's smile slid a little at this. 'Great, Edward. What could be the matter now?' I thought to myself. Jasper had lost his smile and had his trademark pained expression on his face.

Edward decided to answer. "The house. You guys are looking at."

Alice's confused stare suddenly lit up. "Oh, yes! Bella! Jasper and I have found a house!"

As if I hadn't already gleaned that. I glanced at Jasper.

"To live in." he added, his voice sounding awkward.

"Oh. That's great." I said. Internally, I was wondering what was up with Edward. What was he hiding from me? "Where is it?"

Here Alice turned to Jasper, who rolled his eyes up as if to recollect a lost thought. "Um. It's in Forks."

I frowned. Something strange was most definitely going on here. I cast a glance at Edward and he looked away, recognizing my want for some answers.

"Oh no!"

Edward jumped up from the couch and shifted to the kitchen. "Esme, are you alright?"

She was opening the oven. "The casserole boiled over. I'm sorry, Bella. I thought I was paying attention." she sighed, turning to me.

For some reason, I was reeling from Edward's sudden disappearance at my side rather than the ruined dinner. It was even colder not having him next to me. And for some reason, it scared me, even though he was right across the room. What was wrong with me? "It's fine." I comforted her, distracted by my own thoughts.

Carlisle appeared in the kitchen door, a frown on his flawless face. "Is something the matter?" One thing I loved about Carlisle was that no matter how crazy a situation got, he always managed to keep his cool composure. I'm sure that had grown from his many years as a vampire, having to become accustomed to traumatic situations; especially if he worked as a doctor.

Esme's face melted at his arrival. "Oh, its just the casserole."

He crossed the kitchen to her and let his hand caress the small of her back. "I'm glad to hear that it is only that."

I watched this display with intense curiosity but also satisfaction. Carlisle and Esme had a wonderful relationship, had a beautiful house, and a nice family. They were always there for one another, always supportive, talking, comforting, laughing with one another. My gaze moved to Edward who was wiping the bottom of the casserole dish with a sponge. Hopefully, we could have a relationship just like that someday.

I hated delving into the frustrations of being human and desperately seeking to become a vampire. It was an anxious topic that only managed to frazzle the nerves of both Edward and myself when ever it was brought up. I was content the way our relationship was now. But I wanted more. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Edward Cullen. And not just that. I wanted to spend eternity with him.

He was very stern. He wanted me to remain human, to live out my life and experience all of the joys that come with being a human. Most of all, he didn't want to curse me with living the rest of my days as a monster. I didn't care. As long as I was with him.

"Well, I think that its still edible, Bella, if you would like to have a taste." Edward called, from the kitchen.

I made a move towards him. As I walked past the couch, Jasper's hand darted out and caught my shirt sleeve. The force of the pull nearly made me drop to my knees and I let out a surprised yelp. Edward was over to me in a second's time, his own fist clenched around Jasper's and a growl rumbling deep in his throat.

Alice reached a hand over to place it on her husband's arm. "Jasper. Let go."

As if just realizing what he had done, Jasper blinked and loosened his fingers from my shirt. Edward pulled me behind him, his eyes locked on his brothers'. Esme and Carlisle watched from the kitchen, both of their expressions troubled.

"Are you okay?" Edward asked.

"I'm fine."

I hazarded a glance over at the pair still seated on the sofa. Jasper looked hurt, his face twisted in some form of guilt. I could remember Alice saying something about him having a hard time adjusting to their vegetarian lifestyle. Maybe he hadn't eaten in a while and lost self-control. That didn't sound like something that Alice would let happen though.

Esme set a plate into my numb hands and said, "Take yourself up a plate. I'll be right back." She vanished into the next room.

As I scooped out a portion, I looked at Carlisle. His lips were pursed, his frown growing ever more present. I wonder if this had anything to do with what Edward was keeping from me.

I slid a fork out of the drawer and silently joined Edward at the table on the other side of the room away from the couch. I pushed the utensil past the sour cream top layer and then looked up at Edward. He had his protective visage on. "Is he alright?"

Edward shifted his eyes back over to Jasper but they didn't linger there. "He's trying to collect himself."

That didn't tell me much. Edward knew what Jasper was thinking. But he wasn't going to tell me anything. I didn't want to push it. I finished scooping up the portion of food and shoved it in my mouth, realizing just how hungry I was. I swallowed and looked at Alice.

Concern wafted from her face almost to the point where it hung in the air like a mist. What was going on? She turned back to me and gave a small smile. A comforting smile. Everyone was trying to sugar-coat this as much as they could so that I couldn't see what was really happening. I glowered as I ate another fork full of the casserole.

Behind Edward, Alice jolted, her eyes shifting about. Jasper grabbed hold of her gently. The tell-tale sign that Alice was having one of her visions. Edward stood but remained by the table, watching his sister as she shook. Esme had rejoined Carlisle in the kitchen and they too had stepped into the room.

Jasper gently rubbed small circles into her back. "It's okay. What do you see, Alice?"

I watched her, my mouth still full of food, but my eyes glued to her.

She gasped and her lip twisted into a sob without tears. "No…"

"What, Alice?" Jasper asked.

"No.. this can't happen! This has to change…"

Her voice was more frantic than I had ever heard it. Her tone was laced with fear and I could swear that I saw her eyes gleam wet for a moment. Edward was scared, that much I knew, probably more so than I was at the moment.

"Don't leave me...You can't leave me…." she whispered, her little hands clutching Jasper's leg tightly.

He pulled her closer. "I'm right here. I'm staying right here. Tell me what you see."

She gasped. "Glass. Broken glass. Blood." She struggled to breathe between the words.

"Calm her down! She's going to hyperventilate." Edward suddenly pressed, glaring at Jasper.

"I'm trying." The blonde vampire tried massaging her arms. She continued to shudder beneath him. "Its not working. Alice, talk to me. Say something to me."

A small whine echoed from her. "A body. In the office. I can't see his face. But I know who it is."

"The office?" Edward spoke up. "What office?"

The spell ended and Alice buried her head deep into her arms, shaking with sobs. Jasper encompassed her carefully. The rest of the family watched silently. I remembered the food in my mouth and carefully swallowed it.

When she looked up again, her face almost seemed years older. She grabbed hold of Jasper, pushing herself into him.

"Are you finished?"

I turned my attention to Edward who was standing above me now. I looked back down at my plate. Suddenly I wasn't so hungry anymore. "Yeah."

"Wait in my room for me." This was a demand. As much as I felt hurt by being excluded, I nodded and left. On my way out, I glanced at Alice. She was still curled in Jasper's arms, but her gaze was on Esme and Carlisle, and I could see tears escaping her large wide eyes.


	3. Isolated

I sat up in Edward's room like a little child awaiting punishment. More than anything I wanted to sneak downstairs and listen to what they were talking about. Like Carlisle had said, I was a part of this family too and I deserved some answers. If I didn't get them from Edward, I knew that I could get them from Esme or Carlisle. They, unlike their children, were willing to fill me in on their vampiric issues.

"Bella."

I turned around, finding Edward leaning in the door. I hadn't even heard him come up the stairs but I guess that could be expected. He started towards me. "I think that I should take you home."

My brows rose and I could feel a glower settling on my brow. "No."

"It would be safer if I--"

"No!" I shouted unintentionally. I didn't relent though. "I am not going anywhere until you tell me what is going on."

He shook his head, and closed the door. I sat on the day sofa, and crossed my legs. He remained standing and even began to pace a little bit. The longer he took to form a sentence, I grew more impatient. Finally I just blurted my questions out.

"Why did Jasper grab me like that? What did Alice see?"

His eyes met mine. Something in them was clouded over. I'm used to seeing them this way. "This past week, I kept you away from my family because I was worried that something might happen to you."

"You're always worried that something is going to happen to me. That's hardly an excuse to exile me from your house or boot me out when your having a family meeting!"

"I didn't exile you." he replied stiffly. "I just…" His lip twitched. "I just wasn't sure of things. There have been some… complications with Jasper."

I blinked. "Complications?"

"You know Jasper's abilities, Bella. How he's able to calm someone if they are feeling sadness or rage. Guilt. Frustration. Anguish."

"Yeah. I know. Why wasn't he able to calm down Alice during her vision?" I skipped right to the issue, knowing that he was trying to dodge it.

He took a strained breath. "We don't know. He hasn't been able to calm anyone this past week. Carlisle thinks that Jasper is still adjusting to our lifestyle."

I looked at him blankly.

He leans closer. "Our vegetarian lifestyle."

"I'm not sure I understand." I shook my head.

"Remember what I said about a human's blood being much stronger than an animal's blood? Well, when a vampire has feasted on human blood for most of his existence, his powers grow stronger, more finely tuned and precise. We can use them easier, faster, and they work more strongly than if we are just drinking the blood of animals."

He settled on the rug to keep himself from pacing. "Human blood is like an elixir. It's the most powerful and compelling life force for us on the planet. Its what makes and destroys our kind. Jasper has lived on human blood for a long time, Bella. He's only been with our family a handful of years. While there haven't been any signs of his powers waning before, Carlisle believes that he is still in an adjustment period. It may take days, perhaps weeks, even months for him to regain previous amount of power that he had with his ability."

I nodded. "Why did you keep it from me?"

Edward reached forward and took my hand, his eyes loyal but fierce. "I didn't know if this power fluctuation was affecting his hunger too. I thought it best to keep you away until I was sure." He glanced at the place where Jasper had grabbed me earlier. "Now I know."

'You still could have told me.' I thought to myself. I rubbed my eyes carefully. "What about Alice?"

Edward's gaze found the floor and didn't look up. I looked about the room in anticipation. Seconds ticked past and still he said nothing.

"Fine. I'll ask Carlisle."

I started to stand up but Edward caught my hand. "She won't tell us."

I narrowed my eyes. "Why?"

"She's afraid. She thinks that if she says something it will just make it happen that much sooner. And she doesn't want to upset anyone. I told her I wouldn't say anything."

It hadn't occurred to me until that moment that Edward could actually hear Alice's thoughts during and after her vision. "You can tell me."

"I can't, Bella. She doesn't want to see anybody get hurt." There was reluctance in his voice here. I could tell that he wanted to tell me.

I kneeled in front of him. "Edward, she was talking about a body. Blood. Broken glass. If someone is going to die then we need to keep it from happening. Saying nothing isn't the way to do this."

He fought to hold back a pained expression. "I know who it is, Bella. I know who did it. The only thing is that I don't know where. And right now, I can't do anything about it without knowing that first."

For some reason, I was finding it very hard to breathe. I couldn't believe that he was keeping this from me. I held back tears. "Is it someone I know?"

He cocked his head to one side. "What?"

"The body!" I yelled, losing control, the tears spreading wildly down my face. "Is the body someone that I know?"

Edward stood up, and resumed his pacing again. He stopped for a moment and whispered, "Yes."

I nodded, and pursed my lips, tears slipping into the crease.

He came back down and wrapped his arms around me. I was too frustrated at this point. I wanted him to be close to me. But I wanted all of this secrecy to end. "Are they gonna die?" my voice broke.

I felt a hand rub through my hair. "I don't know."

He pulled me away to look deep into my eyes. "But remember, I said Alice's visions are subjective. They can change. Hopefully, we can change this."

"We can't change this without everyone being aware of what will happen, Edward. We have to let who ever the victim is, know what's going to happen!"

"As long as Alice and I know, we will do our very best to fix the outcome. But I don't want you in the middle of this. I almost lost you once. I'm not going to place you in harm's way again."

More than anything now, I just wanted to tell Edward to shut up about my well being and let me in. But I knew all to well that I was fighting a losing battle. Reluctantly, I nodded. Something inside of my gut burned. Someone was going to die. Someone that I knew. Someone that I might love. Edward knew who it was. And he wasn't going to tell me. I was suddenly afraid of going to sleep that night. I was afraid to wake up the next morning or the morning after that. I didn't want to just sit in ignorance and wait for the news to hit me like an atom bomb. But what else could I do?

"What about Jasper?" I force myself to say so that I won't dwell on the former conversation.

"He's alright for now. But you'll need to keep your distance from him. Which means, no more visits for a while."

"What!?" I snap.

Edward jumps back a little.

"No! I can keep away from Jasper. But don't hide me away from the rest of your family. I love them and I miss being with them. Don't keep isolating me like this!" I begged, tears flowing more freely now.

"Hey, hey, hey…" He took hold of me pulling me close. "I won't keep you away from them. I promise. But I'm going to stay with you whenever he's around, okay? There's no way I'm leaving room for error, do you understand?"

"Yeah."

Hugging Edward just then, I found that I wasn't feeling as triumphant as I should have been, winning that small battle of mine. Instead I just felt pain. All I wanted was to save whoever was in danger. Now my mind was racing with all of the different possibilities. Was it Charlie? Was it one of my friends from school? Mike? Jessica? Was it Jacob?

"Bella?"

"Yeah?" I slowed the rapid-fire thoughts to a halt.

"I said, do you want me to take you home?"

Part of me wanted to escape from the insanity of it all. A part of me just wanted to go home, see Charlie sprawled on the sofa watching the flat-screen, climb into bed, turn out the light and forget that all of this was happening. But most of me, the better part of me, hungered for a night where I could just be close to Edward. To know that I was safe with him. And the possibility that he might change his mind and tell me who the potential victim was. "Can I stay?"

"Bella…"

"I'll call Charlie. Tell him I met up with Jessica and Angela and we're doing a sleep over. Just let me stay with you." I pulled him into a tight embrace. "Please?"

Edward sighed and caved. "Alright. This door stays locked though."

"What if I have to pee?"

His eyes slightly bulged at this. Apparently he hadn't thought of that.

"Just let me know, okay?"

Sleeping on Edward's day sofa had not been as comfortable as I had initially hoped. It took several hours just to find a comfortable position that wouldn't put a crink in my neck. Once I had it, I was out like a birthday candle; albeit an unhappy birthday candle.


	4. Vigil

Despite trying to find the least painful position to fall asleep in, my eyes popped open at some point in the early morning. I groaned and my neck ached mercilessly. My gaze flickered about the room, lit only by an eerie moon's glow. Edward was nowhere to be seen. I looked at the clock. It was about 3.

Sitting up, I began rubbing at the base of my skull, hoping to expel whatever cramp had made its home there. Unfortunately, I couldn't make it go away on my own and after a minutes time, I gave up trying. "Edward?" I called softly to the darkness around me. If he wasn't where I could easily see him, there was still a chance that he was cloaked in the shadows, keeping his eyes on me. But no one answered. I glanced at the door.

It was open.

A spike of nausea hit me doing nothing for my already splitting headache. Edward said that he would keep that door locked. So why had it been left ajar? And where had he gone when he had promised not to leave? The dizzying fear wanted me to curl back up on the sofa and go to bed, to try and ignore the obviously strange things going on around me. But I couldn't.

I stood and slid my soft green sweater on. It made the chill go away but not for long. By the time I reached the door, I was shivering once again. "Edward?" It was a whisper now. Probably all of the Cullens could hear me; which included Jasper.

Swallowing hard, I stepped out into the hallway. I stared out the window to the front of the house. Edward's car was gone. My mind scrambled to find a reason why he would go and not tell me and all the more, I was beginning to wonder if I should have just gone home like he'd told me to. 'But he shouldn't have left me.'

I willed myself to relax, and took several deep calming breaths. 'He must have a logical reason for stepping out. Maybe he discovered something that could help Jasper.' I rationalized, nodding to myself. 'Or maybe he was off to warn whom ever the supposed victim was in Alice's vision. He is doing the right thing. Maybe he will tell me when he comes ba--'

"Bella?"

I scampered backwards a few steps at Carlisle's fluid calm voice, but I kept back a scream.

"I'm sorry I scared you." he said carefully, his body seemingly forming out of the shadows. It still amazed me how much Carlisle moved like a vampire, though his beautiful appearance defied the very evidence of it. All of the Cullen's appearances did. While Edward was my own personal Greek God, Carlisle's face and body could have been sculpted to the same mold. His skin was so shockingly pale in the moon's light that I recoiled further backwards. Why, I'm not certain. Maybe it had to do with Edward's freakish disappearance and the general peculiarities that were happening around the house.

"Its fine. I'm good." I responded, my hand pressed up to my head. "Where's…"

"Edward just wanted to move his car into the garage. I saw him head down a couple of minutes ago. Don't worry."

I studied Carlisle's eyes closely. It must have been a Cullen family trait, those caramel colored orbs. "Oh, okay." I squeaked.

Something about being in the Cullen's house in the dark was gnawing at me. For creatures that don't sleep, why did they have all of the lights off? Was it not as straining on their eyes?

A tiny simper formed on Carlisle's lips. "Would you like us to turn on some lights? It is rather alarming I'm sure, sleeping in a house full of vampires in the dark."

I smirked. "No. I just… I woke up with a headache. I'm kind of disoriented. That's all."

"A headache? Would you like something for it?"

I held back a smile. Carlisle was a doctor who never seemed to be off duty. But it was comforting, knowing that there was someone in the Cullen household whom was always sympathetic to other's needs, no matter what the time of day. "I'll be fine. I'll just try to go back to sleep."

Carlisle nodded slightly. "If it helps, I can give you a neck massage. From where you're rubbing, it tells me that you have pain in your right temple. Yes?"

I chuckled. "Once a doctor, always a doctor, huh?"

His grin widened. "I've been a doctor a long time, Bella. I will always continue to be a doctor." He motioned to the couch in the hallway. "Here. Take a seat."

Moving over to the couch, I relaxed sideways on the plush cushions, sighing. Carlisle sat down behind me. "Now just relax. And I'm sorry about my cold hands."

The shock of them touching my skin died down soon. "I'm okay with your hands. Just as long as your teeth don't find your way over here." I mentally slapped myself. 'What a rude thing to say, Bella!' I scolded. I hoped he wasn't offended by it.

Instead he laughed. "I promise. They'll come no where near you."

With that, I surrendered myself to the gentle pressing and rubbing at the base of my skull.

Silence hung in the air. Part of me wanted to ask Carlisle if he had any idea about Alice's vision; if he was upset that Edward wouldn't tell him about it, if he was worried about who might be killed or whom the killer could possibly be, or if he thought that Jasper was going to be okay along the line. But instead, I held it all back and enjoyed the departure of pain from my head, reveling in his iron strong fingers pressing into my shoulders.

"Bella, I'm worried." The sentence surprised me. Carlisle? Worried? He was the last person that got worried about anything. And if he ever was, he hardly showed it nor expressed it. So why was he telling me?

"Why?"

"Several different things are going on with my children. Jasper is losing his abilities to calm people. Alice's visions are becoming painful and hint at acts of violence. Edward is slowly drifting away from us, growing more introverted and, Rosalie and Emmett are infatuated with one another to the point that it blinds them. I feel as though I'm not being a strong enough leader; a strong enough father for them."

Something inside of me shriveled at this revelation. "You're doing your best. It's not an easy job." I tried to think, to see if there was a way that I could make him feel just the tiniest sliver of satisfaction for what he'd done so far. "You have five kids to look after. My dad has trouble looking after just me."

He chuckled and made warmth return to my face. "You are kind, Bella."

This brought me back down slightly. It had never occurred to me that Carlisle would feel regret towards his position in his family. I thought that he'd done the perfect job. What more could you ask of a man who seemed to offer everything; who gave everything to his family? I couldn't think of anything. Something that he had said however, made me stop and wonder.

"What did you mean that Edward is 'drifting away' from you?" I felt a little protectiveness edge into my voice here. I was Edward's girlfriend. Did they think that I was taking him away from them?

Carlisle must have read this in my voice because he stopped massaging for a moment. "I do not mean to say that you are keeping him from us, Bella. I care for you like you are my own daughter,"

My breath caught for a moment. This was a fact that I was pretty sure I had always known, especially when Carlisle had referred to me the first time as one of his family. But somehow hearing the words crystal clear, unfiltered from him made my head spin. I barely knew him. Or his family. Why did it feel so strange?

He continued, apparently not noticing me. "And I am happy that you and Edward have found each other. But Edward is changing. He has grown more self-contained, he keeps to himself. When he is with you, I feel a little better."

I turned around. "Carlisle, what do you mean?"

He was frowning. A frown shouldn't have been on a face as wonderful as his. It made me start to question Edward. "Since James-" here he stopped and dropped his eyes to the floor. "Since then, Edward has been talking of nothing other than keeping you safe. He was rather put out when you told him that you wanted to be changed."

I shivered. "He told you about that?"

He looked up at me through his lashes. "I am relieved that he told me that when he did. Now it seems as if he keeps much more from me."

I couldn't say much here. Edward was keeping things from me too. The far off gaze he would get in his eyes always troubled me. It had been several months since my encounter with James. I shook when I thought of his name. Maybe this was just a phase? Edward would soon learn that he wouldn't have to be so protective of me. Eventually. Hopefully.

"I wondered if you would mind speaking with him, Bella."

The request baffled me. I straightened up a little. "Why don't you tell him that you are worried about him?"

"I have already spoken with him. He feigned ignorance to my concerns."

I couldn't help but smirk. 'If only he wasn't so stubborn. So insistent that he was always right.' "How do you know he won't do that with me? He makes it a point to shut me down before I can make my case on anything."

"While I will always be his father and the one who changed him, he will trust and love you more genuinely as his companion, more implicitly than he ever will me."

I started to contest but he placed a finger on my lips.

"Please, Bella. I know that you are concerned about him as well. If anything, let him know that he can talk to me. No matter what his affairs are."

His words almost had a plea to them and I didn't want to let him down or argue so I just nodded.

The massaging resumed on my neck and I closed my eyes to it. My mind was swimming with worries though. Edward didn't seem to trust me enough as it was; what with his keeping me away from his family instead of telling me about Jasper. While Jasper and I had never shared more than five words with each other, I still worried about what might happen to him and how it affected the rest of the Cullens, especially Alice. We had grown so close over the summer almost as if we were sisters. I couldn't stand to think that something might happen to her husband. It would tear her apart.

"Bella?"

My eyes snapped open to Edward, standing just a foot away from where we were seated on the couch. My mind was in a frenzy. Had he heard what we were just talking about? Even worse, had he been listening to Carlisle's thoughts from a distance; eavesdropping? I was glad that he couldn't read my mind at this point.

I turned my head to Carlisle who carefully stood up, his hands sliding from my shoulders. "Bella had a headache. I was trying to relieve some of the tension."

Something silent passed between them; what I'm not sure. Edward's expression seemed to harden here, his eyes squinting slightly. But Carlisle remained composed and had a look reminiscent of shock in his face. Edward backed down after a few moments and reached out to me, taking my hand. I reluctantly peeled myself off of the comfortable couch and followed Edward back into his room. Carlisle nodded to both of us and vanished back into the darkness of the house.

As Edward shut and locked the door behind us, I sat down on the edge of the day sofa, too awake at this point to even think about sleeping. My headache had lessened some but was still there, panging in the background, making it hard for me to think. "Where were you?"

"I thought I told you not to leave this room, Bella." he answered. He was shaking.

"You left the door open." I countered, my voice strong.

He lifted his eyes to me. I could see that they were dark. But he didn't say anything. Obviously he couldn't think of a comeback.

"Carlisle was with me. I was safe."

He paused at this but nodded a couple of seconds later. "I'm sorry. I…got distracted outside."

"You still seem distracted."

"I am." he responded.

"Why?"

Edward faced the window, gazing off into the trees. "I haven't eaten in a while, Bella."

I covered my neck with my hair quickly, not knowing what else to do. "Oh…um…"

His face muscles looked strained. "When you wake up, I'll probably be gone again. I can't stay in here with you all night."

Something inside shriveled at this realization. "Oh."

His eyes softened. "But don't worry. Alice and Carlisle will be here."

"What about Esme?"

"She'll be with me."

I wondered how that went over, Esme hunting with Edward and not having Carlisle go along. Didn't they usually hunt as a couple? The only reasoning I could think of was to say that maybe Edward needed her there with him in order to keep him distracted; keep him from thinking about me being alone with Jasper in this house. Maybe she was making him go or even more plausible, maybe Carlisle was asking her to go with him because of this? What ever it was, I only nodded and lay back down on the sofa.

"When are you-"

"I'll wait till you're asleep." he interjected, and flashed me a little smile.

Comfort washed on me as I pulled a blanket up over me and watched him in the moonlight. My knight in shining armor. My pale statue keeping vigil. I don't remember falling asleep.


	5. Helpless

(( Heh, well, I can only say for those that are curious that this story will be the beginning of a different and unlikely romance. It begins around the same time as New Moon but there will be several twists that change the motivations of our main characters, namely Bella, Edward, and Carlisle. But in order to find out what they are, you will just have to keep reading.))

Morning was a soft blow delivered to my stomach. I groaned as I rolled over and nearly lost my balance on the narrow day bed. Touching my abdomen tenderly, I tried to open my eyes wider. It was light outside, probably mid morning. This was confirmed by checking Edward's stereo clock; just turning 10:30.

I pulled the blanket off of me and gently folded it, placing it back down on the sofa. As I combed my fingers through my hair, I looked at the door. It was closed, but not locked and I was alone. Edward had left; presumably with Esme, to go hunting. As I opened the door and stepped out, I couldn't help but think about what I had promised Carlisle the night before; what that look had been exchanged between the two. It had seemed almost like Edward thought he was trying to protect me from Carlisle; from his own father! And Carlisle's reaction to it seemed disturbed, even wounded. I wondered what exactly was going on in Edward's brain so that he could be thinking that.

'Edward has been keeping secrets; almost like he doesn't think anyone will understand what he's trying to do.' I mused, taking small steps towards the stairs. It was like he didn't trust me to take care of myself. Truth was, yes, I could be a bit clumsy and seemed to attract bad karma wherever I set foot. But I had my good judgment too and I knew when to use it. 'He should let me exercise it once in a while…' I pondered, beginning down the steps.

By the time I reached the second landing, I could hear voices coming from a room on the first floor, heated voices. They sounded like they were in the midst of an argument.

"She won't tell me what she's seeing. I can't alleviate her pain!" Jasper's voice exclaimed in desperation. "She had another just now. This time she was whispering, saying things like 'I can't see him' and 'please don't let him die'."

This was coming from Carlisle's library, a room set in one corner of the house where he kept all of his medical books and his laptop. I knew that it had to be him that Jasper was having the conversation with.

"Be calm." Carlisle said softly. " Alice will come to you in her own time, Jasper." Something in his voice sounded strange.

"I can't be, Carlisle. Not when I know that there is danger perched in the near future waiting to launch itself at someone. What if Alice gets hurt?"

As I got closer, I could feel a wave of apprehension pass over me. It was unnatural and foreign which only lead me to believe that it was not mine.

"Please, Jasper, control your emotions."

"Is that all you can tell me to do? 'Control my emotions?' I can't! My Alice could be in danger, especially when she and Edward are keeping this vision of hers a secret! She won't even tell you, Carlisle! Doesn't that make you worry about what she might have seen?"

Another wave hit me, and it made me almost double over. I stopped where I was on the stairs and peered down passed the balustrades in the banister towards the library. The door was almost closed and I could barely see anything through the small opening.

"I…I can't…" I was stunned to see Carlisle, holding his head with one hand as he leaned on the desk in front of him. "Jasper….stop."

Jasper was in a mad fury, something that I would have found impossible for him to be capable of. He didn't have the kind of face for anger. But now I could see it, mixed in with his trademark pained expression. My own thoughts were squirreled away at this point however when another wave of anguish hit me. I nearly lost my footing, the intensity of it causing my stomach to do back flips.

I returned my sights to the office. Carlisle was just barely keeping himself together. I could see his figure swaying. Being so close in proximity to all of the swirling emotions was having its effect on him as well; a larger one more likely. However, as much as I wanted to call out, to say something to distract Jasper, I was afraid that I would distract him in a not-so-good way. With his frustration tidal waving out of control, he might lose all restraint and come after me. This time, if Carlisle couldn't recover, there would be no one to stop him. Except for Alice. I glanced around expectantly. Where could Alice have been? Surely she must have heard all of this commotion.

"I can't help her anymore! I can't help anyone anymore! What use am I when my abilities have left me?"

It felt like my insides were collapsing. I pulled myself down into a sitting position on the stairs and hugged my torso, willing for the flow of emotions to recede.

"Son, you…have to stop." Carlisle's voice sounded tenuous, like a thread about to break. I watched him look up towards the window. I saw his lips move but couldn't hear a sound from them.

The door slammed shut in front of me and almost instantaneously, the flooding pain and emotion lessened. I grabbed hold of the banister and hauled myself up. What had happened? Was Carlisle okay? All of Jasper's feelings had been filling up my head, making it hard to think. Now that it was so quiet, I felt more vulnerable than ever. I cast my gaze around. 'Where are you, Alice?'

Something fell in the office. It was a solid object, almost like rock hitting the floor.

"Carlisle!" Jasper cried, his voice exploding the silence. I nearly lost my balance again at it. "I'll kill you! You're the reason for this!"

I bolted off of the steps, my legs wobbling like jelly as I threw open the door.

I barely had enough time to take in the scene. Carlisle was on the ground, his body shuddering, writhing; in pain. Jasper, whom had been crouched over him, turned on me. His eyes were a red the color of a ripe apple, something inside of them screamed their hatred and malice. I felt like I was going under all over again as his emotions shook me. He had me against the wall, one hand on my hip, the other on my shoulder, his fingers slightly digging.

"Bella…" he groaned, as he shook his own head. Maybe he was suffering from it too. It seemed to be everywhere, seemed to be too much for him to contain. "…she has to pay."

I couldn't wrap my head around what he was getting at. "I didn't do anything!" I yelled. His hand slid over my neck and I gasped as I felt myself being tipped to the side. I waited for the whole world to go black in front of me.

"Jasper! Enough!" Alice's little voice sliced the air. I dropped, gravity suddenly becoming evident. I cowered on the floor, looking up at Jasper. As much as I was scared to move, I found myself crawling towards the desk, trying to find some cover as the two lovers faced off. However, they just stood there, looking at one another. Jasper appeared frightened, out of his mind, like he wasn't sure where he was. Alice was slightly poised for a fight, but trying not to look threatening.

That was until her eyes dropped on Carlisle. "What have you done?" she whispered, making a move to go by Jasper.

He growled lowly. "I never… I was only trying to…" he sputtered.

Alice lashed out like a cat who had just been scared. She exposed her fangs, a nasty hiss escaping. Now I knew why I had never wanted to see Alice angry or upset. She looked so much different than her sweet bubbly normal self. I was scared of her.

I blinked my eyes and Jasper was gone. Alice was facing the door, alarm carved into her face, and hurt slowly tracing itself in with it. "Wait! Don't leave me!"

She spun back around to Carlisle and dropped to the floor beside him, her muscles frozen in panic. "Oh God. Carlisle, can you hear me?…"

I peaked out from behind the desk. He was laying on his back, arching it, almost like the torture was crawling up through him. The only noises I could hear were his frantic gasps.

Alice lifted her head and she saw me. "Bella, I need you to call Rosalie and Emmett. We need their help until Edward and Esme return."

I nodded. Of course, Edward was hunting. There was no way I could contact him. But how far away were Rosalie and Emmett? I stayed in my spot, trying to make my mind work.

"Bella! Hurry!"

The shout broke me out of my trance. I jumped to my feet and grabbed the phone on the desk. My fingers fumbled with the buttons the first few tries. I hadn't noticed that my hands were shaking this wildly until now. The forth try connected. Emmett always had his phone handy. I had a feeling that if I'd tried to call Rosalie, I'd be given 20 questions or worse; she would think that I was the reason for this.

The phone answered. "Yes?"

"Emmett! Its Bella! You two have got to come home right now!"

"Slow down! Slow down. What's the matter?"

I cast my gaze back over at Alice. She was holding something in her hand. It looked like a needle of some kind. She smoothed Carlisle's blond hair back from his face. Her lips were quivering and she bit her bottom one, trying to keep from crying.

"It's Carlisle. Jasper did something and now…" I couldn't even think of how to describe it. My mind was still racing. I was still trying to figure out what was happening. How had I survived that? What did Jasper mean when he said that I 'had to pay'?

"Now what, Bella?" Emmett answered, his tone horrified. "Is Carlisle okay?"

"I don't know. You have to get here quick." I was suddenly finding it difficult to talk. Warm slippery water was trickling down my face.

"We'll be there within twenty minutes." The phone hung up.

'Twenty minutes.' They were vampires and they still couldn't get there any faster?

I could remember hanging up the phone, missing the cradle at first and then correcting it. Next I remember looking at Alice and thinking, 'Why had Edward and her kept this a secret? Why had they allowed it to happen?'

Lastly, I remember looking at the doorway, and seeing Edward stagger into it, his eyes bulged, and his mouth agape in disbelief.


	6. Blame

I apologize profusely for the quality of this chapter. It downright sucks. But it has to suck, because I have no other way to proceed with the story without getting this chapter out of the way. It's been sitting in my document's folder for months now. I had to get it out of there. Like I said on my author's home page, I have a book that I'm writing right now that is about vampires and it is in a totally different vein than the Twilight series. It's hard for me to update this story when I've got most of my time and energy buried in that project. But I will try to get this story finished. I hate leaving things unfinished.

* * *

My clothes felt sticky against my skin. It had been two hours since the attack on Carlisle. Esme, Edward, and Alice managed to get him into the bed in the master bedroom before Rosalie and Emmett arrived. Carlisle kept shaking. No matter what anyone said to him, he didn't answer. He was completely unresponsive to the outside world. Whatever Alice had tried to give him to calm him down hadn't worked. It seemed the only thing that would work was Jasper. But he obviously wasn't around.

Edward watched Carlisle from the doorway. His face was solemn. He had been grievously silent ever since he'd returned to the house. I could see Esme in the bedroom, knelt next to the bed. She was whispering to Carlisle, sweet nothings that went in one ear and out the other. I felt slightly sick. I could only imagine how she must have been feeling.

"Are you alright?"

I looked up. Edward had come out of his lull and was turned toward me.

"I'm fine." I responded automatically.

"He didn't hurt you?" He didn't seem convinced.

"No."

He pursed his lips and turned to look out at the hall. Alice was staring out the window facing away from them. I could see her reflection in the glass. It wasn't horrified like it had been a while ago. It was hopeful.

Edward must have sensed this because his brows instantly furrowed. "Do you know where Jasper is?" he called out to her.

She winced and closed her eyes. "I think he's still in the woods somewhere. He hasn't gone into town."

Edward nodded and made a step toward her. She half turned and this seemed to be a signal for him to keep his distance. He did.

Emmett appeared up the stairs. He seemed confused. "Are we going to go out and look for him? Or are we just going to sit here on our hands?"

Edward eyed his brother warily. "First we need to know where to look." He turned back to Alice. If Alice had been keeping it from him, he still would have been able to see her thoughts.

Esme came out of the bedroom. Her eyes looked very dark and the brilliant smile that I was used to seeing, was vacant. She put a hand on Edward's shoulder and said softly, "Alice is trying her hardest. Don't push her."

He dipped his head. I did too.

Esme moved out into the hallway more and sat on a couch. We all gathered closer. Rosalie was mysteriously absent. I wondered where she might have been but at the same time was thankful that she wasn't there at that moment.

"I'm going to stay here with Carlisle." she announced. She half turned and looked back at the room. After a moment of silence, she continued, "I want the rest of you to spread out and find Jasper. He couldn't have gone far. And you should be able to track him."

Edward nodded. "I'll look after I take Bella home."

It felt as if my insides had turned cold. Though I felt like I should defend my right to be involved just as much as any of them, I didn't want to make it harder for Esme. She needed them to concentrate on the task at hand. She needed Edward, as the strongest of them, to concentrate the hardest. And he could do that with me out of harms way. Still, there was no telling if that body in the vision of Alice's had been Carlisle or someone else. Who knew what Jasper would do, being as desperate and confused as he seemed to be?

Esme was still talking and I realized that I'd missed out on most of it, considering my inner monologue with myself. "I'd much rather keep Bella here, Edward."

I turned.

Edward's eyes bulged. "What? Why?"

"Bella wouldn't be any safer back with her father than anywhere else outside the house. As long as she's here, it means there is at least one of us keeping an eye on her." A ghost of a smile appeared on her face. "I can watch over her while you go out and search."

The door downstairs slammed. My insides crumbled as I realized who was finally there.

Rosalie stomped up the stairs. As her body came into view, I took in an immense sadness in her face. She could have cared less that I was even there. She pushed past Edward and went to the door of the room where Carlisle was laying.

"How is he doing?" she asked.

"Nothing has changed." Esme said.

Rosalie turned and her face contorted into a snarl. Her eyes lost their sadness and lit with a fire of rage. I felt all the hairs on my head stand. "Where's Jasper!? I'll kill him!"

Alice frowned, stepping away from the window. "You won't!"

"He attacked Carlisle! He's lost his mind!" Rosalie spat.

"It's not his fault." Edward interrupted, getting in between them.

Everyone looked at him. What did he mean? I'd been there. I'd seen Jasper causing all of the emotional torment to Carlisle.

"What do you mean?" Esme asked.

"I saw it with my own eyes." I whispered to him. "There was no one else in the room."

Edward shook his head. "I can hear Jasper's thoughts in Alice's visions. He's searching for someone. He's searching for "her". The one who attacked Carlisle."

"Her, who?"

"Victoria."

My mind was overrun with crippling fear and terror. 'Victoria has done this?' I stared into the room at Carlisle. An unstoppable swarm of anger welled into my head. It felt as though all the blood in my veins had gone up and was filling my brain. I suddenly wanted to kill something. How could she have done this to Carlisle? It hadn't been his fault that James had died. It had been Edward's and mine. 'I don't understand…'

Esme stared at her hands, laying at her sides. She didn't say anything for a long time. Rosalie had gone to Emmett and was in his arms. Alice was watching the window again, holding her heart shaped pendant around her neck. It must have been something that Jasper had given to her, otherwise she wouldn't have been clutching it so tightly.

Edward was shaking. I knew it was from fury. He would hunt down and murder Victoria if it was the last thing that he ever did. I'd see the look in his eyes before. He'd had it when he'd nearly killed James.

"Jasper still needs to be found." Esme finally spoke up, crossing her arms. "His bloodlust might cause him to lose control. If he wanders into town, he could be a danger to everyone there." She turned to Edward and put her hand on his arm. "You need to find your brother first."

Edward nodded obediently and pulled me aside from the group. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

I grabbed him and hugged him hard, pressing his cool body to me. "Be careful." I urged, feeling tears beginning in my eyes. "Don't worry about me."

He nodded and dashed down the stairs. Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie gave chase.

I turned toward Esme and we both looked in at Carlisle. He was still shaking in his bed, and his face was still contorted by unbelievable anguish. My skin prickled as I thought what he must have been going through. Outside, the tops of the pine trees were waving gently back and forth. I wished that everything could be as easy going and normal as those trees at that moment. I wished that Edward didn't have to run into danger. I didn't know if he was going to listen to me. Something told me he wouldn't. He would dart off and search for Victoria and kill her himself. Everything in his eyes had told me so. And without Carlisle to tell him not to, there would be nothing to stop him.

I dipped my head. I wished there was something that I could do. 'I'm sorry, Carlisle. I wish I had been able to do what you wanted me to do. I'm sorry this had to happen to you.' I thought to myself.


	7. Confusion

Another tardy chapter for this old story. If you haven't already read it on my profile, I'm sad to say that this will be the one and only Twilight themed story that I'll write. Nothing else needs to be said on that note, except that I do plan to finish the fic, though it may be truncated. And yes, the story is going to get crazier as we move along.

* * *

I listened as the door closed downstairs. Edward and the rest of them were gone. I worried just what would happen if they did catch up with Jasper. How would they get him to return? Would they even be able to talk to him? And what if he wouldn't come back without a fight?

Esme came up to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "If you need anything, we have food in our fridge."

My stomach flopped. There was no way I could eat anything, let alone think about eating anything. I shook my head. "Thanks though."

She smiled and I knew that at least that little bit of her humanity was intact. The other bit of her that I'd seen every time I breezed though the Cullen house's doors seemed to have died with this tragic incident.

Esme looked longingly at Carlisle in the bed. I felt like I was in the way and the last thing I wanted to do was intrude on them. "I'm going to go downstairs." I said.

She nodded.

"Do you need anything?"

"That's alright. I'll be fine."

I descended, glancing back over my shoulder. Esme disappeared into the bedroom. I caught her hands cupping her face as the doorframe obscured her.

With each step that I took, I felt my throat grow tighter and tighter. Everything in me knew that I should be doing something to help, something that could bring back Carlisle from his non-stop convulsing. What was he suffering from? What had Victoria done to him? And why had Jasper done nothing about it in the office?

I stared at the still open office door on my left.

* * *

Nothing had been touched since Edward and Emmett had carried Carlisle upstairs. The chair was still tipped over on the opposite side of the desk, the pen that Carlisle had been holding when he'd fallen was on the rug, uncapped. The phone teetered on the edge of the desk where I'd left it after hanging up with Emmett.

I took a step inside and shivered. It seemed as though it was ten degrees colder in there. Steeling myself, I walked over to the desk and stared down at the stacks of papers.

Office work; or at least that's what it looked like to me. I couldn't make heads or tails of some of the things but they all looked like they were in the health related field. Another stack was about property tax and insurance to protect the house against fire and flood.

In the center of the desk lay a book, slightly off kilter from the typed forms around it. Carlisle's sculpted handwriting flowed across the lines, filling pages and pages with endless information.

I dropped into his seat and turned the pages of the book back to the beginning. There were no marks inside to distinguish that this was a journal of any kind, but I had a feeling that it was. I turned to the next page and was greeted with a confirmation; the first entry was dated, as were the following ones.

_29 September 1999_

_Edward thinks that it's a waste of our time to be making a home in such a small community. While he still longs to travel the world and revel in its glorious sights, I am longing for stability. We , The Cullens, have roamed for so long, a home never in sight or in mind when I think that we've finally settled in. When I came here, when I felt the northern wind and smelled the musky scent of the night, I knew that we'd found some place special; some place where our family wouldn't need to continue to hide who we were._

_It's true that when we finally move here (which won't be for some time), we will need to have the kids attend classes and yet again, graduate high school. They've all memorized the curriculum with Emmett being the least interested in having to continue this rigmarole for much longer. I have a feeling that this will be the last time though._

_I can't describe it but somehow I know that Forks will be our true home._

I felt myself smiling at this. If Carlisle hadn't felt this way about Forks, they could have ended up somewhere entirely different, and I would never have met Edward.

I began to wonder what would have happened if the Cullens had picked a different town or city to live in. Would Edward have just continued on his way, still searching for the one person he was meant to be with, or would he have settled with some other girl and been happier?

Shaking my head out of those thoughts, I turned to a later page in the book. 'As if my thoughts couldn't be depressing enough, I have to imagine that…'

I found last year, the year that Edward and I had met. Carlisle's handwriting hadn't changed.

_ 05 April 2005_

_And so Edward had finally found his love; his la tua cantante. And ever since Bella has entered our lives, everything appears to be growing closer with our family; with the exception of Rosalie who may take a little time to get used to our new addition._

_But something is amiss. And again, it is something I cannot explain. That feeling that I got when we moved to Forks has raised itself inside me once more. What is this strange sensation? How do I describe it? I can't. All I know is that it appears when she is around. I suddenly feel as if all the errors in my life are melted away, everything I feel that I have done wrong is lifted off of me._

I stopped reading. My heart was throbbing. Was he talking about me? I don't understand. I flipped to a few months later.

_30 June 2005_

_Why do these confusing emotions torment me? I thought that I had things figured out with Esme. When I met her, when I first set her leg when she'd fallen from the tree, I knew that she was mine, that we had been made for one another like twin apples on a branch. _

_I have known Esme for many years. She is patient. She is enduring…. gentle… a soft creature with so much hospitality and empathy that I feel cruel next to her. Alas, I don't feel as if I have found true happiness in this place with her. Is there something that I am missing?_

I stood up, putting the book down on the desk. I shouldn't be reading this. These were Carlisle's private thoughts. I was invading them. But what if Esme saw this? What would she say? How would she react?

I picked it up, thinking of some place where I could hide it from sight. Instead, I sat back down and turned to the last entry in the book.

_ 11 August 2005_

_Everything has fallen to pieces. I fear that I have given myself away to my son. He looked straight into my eyes last night, and he knew that I harbored something stronger than just simple paternal care for Bella. It makes me feel sick to think that I may have just ruined everything that those two worked so hard to salvage during this last year with the encounter with James and the other nomads._

_I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish that the confusion would end and I could go back to a point where I was sure of things. Instead, I sit here in my office, restless at night and wonder just what I'm going to do; how I can possibly break this trance that's fallen over me._

_Edward has already been keeping things from me. He doesn't trust me, he doesn't think that I can give advice like I used to and judging by what he read in my thoughts, I can see his point. But if he does what I fear he will do, it will change everything. The wall of happiness and security that we built will come crashing down. At that point, this confusion will tidal wave over me and I'll have no choice but to submit to it. There won't be anything in my way to keep me from saying the things that I so desperately need to say to her._

_Esme, I have failed you. I am not the husband you wished me to be._

_Bella, I--_

The sentence drifted off, a scratch of pen drawn across the page from the bottom cross of the 'I'. This must have been where Jasper had interrupted him.

I sat in the chair for the longest time, breathing softly and staring at the book in my fingers, feeling the crisp paper against my skin. I was only barely aware of the tapping of rain on the window.

If this was all true, it meant that there was more at stake than I'd initially thought. Had Victoria somehow stumbled on Carlisle's journal? Had she discovered his feelings for me, if that's what they were? Was this supposed to be punishment for me?

"Bella,"

I turned.

Esme was in the door.

Gasping, I spun in the chair, simultaneously dropping the book under the desk. "Sorry! You scared me."

"What are you doing in here?" she asked. She stayed outside the door. I wondered if she was afraid to come in.

"I was just… trying to figure out what happened."

She reached a hand out to me.

I stood up and though I kept my eyes from looking at it, my thoughts lingered on the incriminating journal lying with pages spilled open underneath the desk.

"Come on. Edward just called. He has some news."

I took her hand and we both stepped out. Esme closed the door behind me.

"What did you hear from Edward?"

"Jasper isn't in the woods. Alice thinks he may have gone into town."

I gulped. If he was in town, how many more lives were in danger? Even if it had been Victoria who'd done this to Carlisle, it had been Jasper's emotions that had made it possible. They'd made Carlisle weak enough to be blindsided. Or was it Victoria who had perpetuated Jasper's out of control emotions? I wish I knew.

"Do they have any idea where?"

"Edward and Alice are doing a sweep of the school right now. Rosalie and Emmett are at the police station."

"Is-is Charlie there?"

"I don't know."

I suddenly felt scared for my dad. Even though he had a gun and liked to brag that he could more than accurately take care of himself, I knew that he would be no match for a vampire. They were faster and more ruthless than he was, or could ever be with a gun.

Esme squeezed my hand. "I know you worry about him. They'll make sure he's safe." She steered us toward the kitchen. "I'll make you some soup."

We stepped into the kitchen and I thought about what she'd said. If Carlisle hadn't been safe, then what made her so sure that Charlie would be?

My mind was still reeling from the clandestine journal entries. Me. Carlisle loved me. Even if he didn't, he had mixed feelings about me and I was confusing him. But why? I'd never made any advances toward him. I would only know if and when he woke up. And I wasn't sure I wanted that to happen any time soon.


End file.
